your very own terrible will set you free
how I learned to stop worrying and...jk! still worrying!
Every frightening thing
every cruel thing
everything that I thought made me less than
everything that I was too scared to talk about,
the ceiling, when the unimaginable was taking place
the ground, where my face was planted
everything I thought would alienate me from my fellow human
all that I tried,
all that I feared was weathering me on the inside
the dissonant blue notes of the soul and the things that I dread
make me a softer human, a stronger human, more dynamic in love,
an urgent artist.
I’ve spoken before about how the grime is full of nutrients and how getting dirty and sharing the battle (eventually) saves your life. I won’t talk here about a ten-step system that happens between the worst thing to ever happen to you and that moment when you finally come out on top, financially free, spiritually sound, with everything solved because, well, it doesn’t work like that this isn’t the forum for that I wouldn’t know about that. Instead, I’ll talk about the lock that is I’LL NEVER DO IT, or the lock that is HOW TO START, and the KEY that is a) what you have is worthy, b) what you learned was worth it, c) what you know is worthwhile.
a1)
I’ll start at the top…I always felt misplaced. I’m not unique when it comes to not feeling part of things or the peculiar notion that something has come away inside and is falling, fallen. I used to think these feelings were too big for my body and wanted a way out of myself. The first time I remember having this awkward sensation, I was somewhere in the single digits, outside of myself, outside of the room/scene. The last time I felt too big for my body was yesterday. But I have my tools. I have my soft arts. We are learning new ways to breathe, hold ourselves, dance it off, or let it flow. We can name the parts we find scattered on the floor. I won’t hide mine; they look so much like yours.
a2)
Your voice is essential. Add it to the mix. Notice what fortifies you, what inspires you into action, and lean in. Gift yourself even more; come further into this.
b1)
I shan’t talk here about how glad I am that all the tough things happened because it’s boring, and you’ll hate me because that rhetoric is simplistic, though not a million miles from the truth. We are constantly experiencing the power of contrast. What we don’t want sets forth a clear line of desire for something else. Usually, the more we don’t like something, the stronger the polar desire. When we don’t have, we wish. When we wish, we employ our imagination, thank God. Imagination, often overlooked, is the building block of all creation. I write in THE HOW about building these dreams from the ground up, even from bed. My situation at any given time reminds me to keep choosing.
b2)
Some things slow the dreamwork, of course. Apathy. Depression. Distraction. Bad Draining company.
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