you already know the thing

stop playin'

Never quite found a clique in LA. Thought I might, but kept flaking on the hangs. Actually, I resisted completely, in a way that shocked me. I used to think I was avoidant, and I might be a bit, or that I had social anxiety (and I might, a bit) but have realised at this big age that I am quite allergic to nonsense, bs, performative/inauthentic energy that it makes me want to keel over right there and then,

or renders me silent, and no matter how much people tell me I need to “tap in with contacts” more, I just, like, can’t. I do not care who knows who or who might want to know me because. I cannot make myself do the thing, not even for Work Purposes. I say all of this not to be judgmental or place myself on some kind of moral high ground; indeed, it mostly makes me feel like the weirdo kid at the edge of the playground. Also, there are so many incredible people out there, too, so I’m by no means saying this is everyone (or even most people).

One thing I am very, very accepting of is who I am and why. And so, when I fall silent as people begin peacocking in large groups, fighting for airtime and space, I do not compete because I don’t know how. I don’t have the energy. (Never did. which was the reason I used to drink, to get through everything.) Instead, let me meet you one-on-one for a cup of tea. Or I’ll cook.

Where is this note going??

Oh yes, I already know the thing. I’m sitting here, bursting to write it out. I want to provide more value. I want to answer your questions, ask you questions, and truth-share. You already know the thing; the direction/practice/story that would change your life if you let loose. It may already have presented itself in the background of your thinking. Or maybe you noticed it a year ago, while taking a walk or looking at art. It might be the expression you finally want to commit to, or the feeling you want to stop having. It might be a family dynamic you’d like to begin or end. It might be the kind of love you want.

You already know the thing. Most people keep that knowledge in the background of their lives for years and think it over / research it / plan it / discuss it, but the moment comes when you begin arranging your life around what you already know. That moment is what I mean by the shift. THE SHIFT happens on Sunday: details in the last paragraph.

It’s 4 am. I’m looking out of the black window, pondering. Drinking a matcha. With vanilla. My body keeps waking me up at these holy-hell hours. That, and the cortisol. It’s fine. Imma use it. I’m writing a book all about all the things I thought were true, that were, in fact, only my body’s survival script.

Yesterday, out of nowhere, I was reclining on my sofa, arms behind my head, when Earls Court Station appeared in my mind’s black eye. It gave me a start; I had forgotten about that phase in my life where I lived a stone’s throw away from that particular tube station with a strange, selective brain fog and undiagnosed everything. I was twenty-four, at the time, I think, with a bunch of alcohol related amnesia. (That is another story. You can ask me when we meet.)

That chapter of my life eventually taught me that the body and the mind keep pointing you toward the life you’re meant to live, even when you spend years trying to ignore it. You get tired of outrunning body-truth.

I’m opening a small room called THE SHIFT on Sunday to talk about all things related, and we'll go over my findings, your findings, and anything you want, really. If you already know the thing, come. If you don’t, still come along! Access is for my paid subscribers. I can’t wait to meet you there. I’ll send the meeting link to your email 24 hours in advance. It’s at 1 pm PST, 4 pm ET, 8 pm GMT, and so on!!! Bring a pen if you still bring pens to things. Super informal, always honest.