the power of saying no without a 200-word explanation should be taught in schools

Growing up, and in my twenties, I used to think being agreeable was a huge flex / an Important Strength / would see me Very Far. I thought I'd be much more marketable, employable, and lovable if I only explained myself well enough, softened the truth out of the trickier things, and padded them with context.

After years of working in publishing, film, TV and (some) fashion, I’m learning that agreeable can make you forgettable, can shave away some necessary edge. Pleasant doesn’t get you respected. Explanatory doesn’t protect you. I’m regularly invited to shrink inside these spaces - to delay my truth, and pad my no’s between extra yeses. I am meant to be grateful. To compromise on clarity.

Thank God getting older doesn’t allow for this. Nah, you have to get strict(er). Not closed, but clearer. My self-care routine is 20% ritual, 80% saying no, even when difficult. I practice it. It is a strategy, a softness, because when we say no to something, we say yes to something(s) better. Rest. Integrity. Creative control. Fun.

Reader, I’d like this taught in schools. Who knows, maybe I’ll try to do it. Over-explaining your no is a trauma response, not a personality trait. Somatic psychology shows us that we activate the stress response when we override our boundaries. You might not even notice it, only the tiredness afterwards. No is complete, not an invitation to negotiate. As a young girl, I wish I’d understood that. But then I wouldn’t be telling this tale. I’d be telling a different one.