On Monday, I go on what is advertised as a Breathwork Journey. We lie on our backs and are guided into a rhythmic breathing flow for something like the next hour (I cannot say for sure because time loses its meaning, and somewhere between the in and out of it all, I become a pulsing body of light.) Yes, I am outside the earth now, warm-floating in the galaxy. Everything feels rich and perfectly formed. I realise there are infinite timelines, and maybe we have the ability to switch between what we are getting and what we want. The possibilities run way beyond the blue, a shifting pattern of opportunities. Suddenly, life stuff is hilarious; the argument I had the night before, one or two petty jealousies, the lingering fear of not having enough and the old, worry about running out of time. Everything seems silly, very silly and simple. Very simple. When it ends, I wonder how I’m going to sit up, let alone walk home from the studio, but I do, and I do…and it’s all fine. My body says thank you. I never thought I could feel this way not on drugs, or of course I knew (as we often do), but that is the story I ran with.
II
On Wednesday, I consider the things I am choosing; what I maximise, what I am actively building upon, which pleasures I am allowing myself, which outdated self-imposed rules I am still holding up,
which choices I am unwittingly cutting off, which neuroses I am feeding, how stingy I’m being with myself, how open and loving I am allowing myself to be, which of course, affects how much love I am letting in. I decide to make a meal of things this Winter - to lean into romancing my damn self, to try not to close up. Still high on new oxygen, I reckon I’m about to change my life.
III
But how to know what to be open to when everyone thinks that the world is fucked and most of the news is a warning?
How, when encountering other energies, do you take good enough care of your own? How, when are attracting and evolving, how do we decide what to keep or avoid? We all protect ourselves with good enough reason. We have all been stung by a clash of agendas. I have many friends who err on the side of caution. It is not my way, but there are times when it might have served me. I’m an Aquarius! I tell them. You’ve gotta be open! I tell them,
then spend the rest of my month dodging phone calls.
Yes, the person I shared my contact with (in an altered state of bliss, it must be said) is now annoyed because I didn’t reply to his stream of messages from five days ago and four days ago and three days ago. He sends me a message telling me this is his last message. lol. good.
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