Today I woke myself with a growl. The light is not the same as yesterday. There is something apologetic about it, something that lets me know I won't have everything I want. Last night I ate great pizza with a friend and let him show me how good life can get. We listened to his music, and watched the orange sun dip into the sea. There was darkness then. Clouds then. Techno over speakers. We danced a while, and then we both had somewhere else to be. Today I'm thinking I'll never give up. December has been the trickiest month, filled with ideation. I watched YouTube and Netflix at length, as though the answers were in the box. The pain in my chest was telling and awful and present. I thought God was saying, Be Strong, but God was really saying, Get Soft. When the going gets tough, lay down your armour. Pull on your best dress.
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