It’s cleansing time. Fall Down to Start Again season. Every month I’m losing a few old things because the old things are no good. They are lies, or they are propaganda, some shit they told us to keep us in place. Well, here’s the latest. I’m forgetting how to be nice. I’m leaving it all behind, and I’ll tell you why.
The year is drawing to a close, thank God. It had me by the throat; taking things I knew for sure and showing me I was wrong. The things I had been waiting for never materalised, or they came with too much smallprint. I won’t lie, I’m a little exhausted. This tiredness was born years ago, though. The tiredness has been trying for years to tell me something. I used to be better at tuning it out. Now it’s making its way up front, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’ve been trying hard not to think too much about the past, but it keeps showing up and announcing itself;
in colourless rain and soggy autumn leaves coating the slick pavement /
dull orange streetlights braced in dusk-blue /
a phone number flashing up on my screen/
sirens on the other side of the park/
a known chill in the air /
the sudden fear of winter
and the past wont give up. What I mean to say is, trauma doesn't give up. Its sneaky techniques are getting more dangerous of late, like when I almost miss the meeting even though I’ve been waiting all day for the meeting, or when I don’t reply about the very important thing but somehow manage to reply to everything else - even texts about cute animals. Even texts about which selfies my friend should choose for her IG carousel, and in what order.
And then it hits me, as if out of nowhere. The past IS the tiredness. The past is the procrastination. The past is the inattentiveness. The past is why I keep forgetting the present. But the tiredness/procrastination/inattentiveness is happening right now, and it’s happening on purpose. They are signs that something definitely isn’t working. There is soo much or too little of something. A part of us needs attention. We need new ways.
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