Do you ever just feel completely alone?
I saw this question in my inbox a couple of weeks ago and thought about it, and avoided it and thought about it. The answer was and is, of course, yes. The answer was and is, of course, no. The answer is yes and no. It depends on the Self Of The Day, the Self I have committed to, and the Me I am listening to.
Since it is Tuesday morning, and I’m caffeinated enough to try to explain, here goes.
I know that whatever I am feeling (or whatever I think I am feeling), being Completely Alone is a universal impossibility.
Every day in the street, I pass someone with whom I am more alike than not. I can direct my energy outward or inward. I can engage or not engage - which is a decision I get to make every day.
There was a time when I was living in New York and might have considered myself a loner. A lonely loner. What a badge! What an indictment! (It was 2021, post-lockdown, for your reference.)
I am a writer. The way that I earn my living depends largely on vast amounts of space - space to think, space to write, and enough decadent, fatty, alone time. I know this is not a reality for many people, especially those with families and different responsibilities. That isn’t the case yet for me. I live alone and love it. Let me tell you about the aspects of this that feel wonderful - like a relief, even - if things are going well.
Mostly, I wake up alone. It means I can pad into the kitchen, drink water, and go for a walk, and nobody interrupts my thoughts. When I am writing my books or a newsletter, this is a boon. Nature fills me with colour, wonder, and all of its soft-sounding glory. It communicates with me in a full-blown way, allowing new thoughts to occur and allowing me to notice a great deal and have new, world-generated ideas.
When I turn the corner of the street, I nod to the neighbours and talk to the man at the end of my road who sells the good coffee. It is pretty controlled and highly indulgent. I then go home to fold into my work.
When, for whatever reason, things are not going well…
I wonder about myself. I wonder what is sustainable and what isn’t.
I worry about myself.
I think that I am a machine designed to work, produce results and answer emails.
I think that I need to work faster.
Nothing is good enough.
I can pad into the kitchen, drink water, and go for a walk, and nobody interrupts my thoughts. (Sometimes, you need to interrupt those thoughts.)
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