I have nothing to say anymore

ever, and it's stressing me out

Photo by Lex Melony on Unsplash

Often, when I’m avoiding my writing practice or finding it challenging to communicate clearly and expressively in social situations, I can usually credit it to one of the following;

1. There is something inside me - maybe heavy or destructive - that I am holding safely out of view. This is using up a lot of my energy.

2. Something is sitting inside me - maybe heavy or destructive - that I am holding safely out of view. This uses nearly all of my energy, and I am not sure what it is yet. Perhaps it is a mixture of things.

3. Something is stalking my body - maybe heavy or destructive - that I am holding safely out of view. This uses nearly all of my energy, and I am not sure what it is yet. Perhaps it is a mixture of things. I don’t know what to do.

The good news is that if I write or speak to a loved one for long enough, something genuine and transparent will (finally!) emerge from the fog,

The bad news is that I don’t always feel like writing or talking when this thing is at its worst. All I want to do is fade. Watch reality TV. Back to back. With snacks.

The bad news is that I do not wish to be perceived or heard from when I feel like this.

The bad news is that if I do not sit down to write when this thing is at its worst or if I don’t have somewhere safe to share my thoughts without self-editing, I may be forced to confront the (known or unknown) thing in more unpleasant ways. These include and are not limited to

debilitating social anxiety (which makes me seem disinterested)

obsessive looping thoughts/repetition (which tires me out)

not replying to messages from people that I love or would love to get to know better

impulsiveness (often disastrous)

extreme inactivity

the trap of buying small unnecessary things

scrolling (which we all know is a trap)

hypersomnia

restlessness

indecisiveness (which is annoying to be around and also, at times, disastrous)

and a definite lean to the self-destructive.

So you see, I’d better write.

It’s what I tell everyone in my 121 sessions or panels or on Zooms. Honestly, I tell everyone who’ll listen. Write to see what is hidden in your centre, what sleeps in the pit of your belly. Readers of mine will know that I am a massive advocate of stickier, less comfortable prompts. Things like,

“Think of something you have agreed to that you would rather not have agreed to. Challenge it now, right here, on paper,”

or,

“Growing up, what was the first thing that confused you about the way your caregivers loved? And now, what do you feel you are missing when it comes to love?”

When we sit down to write, we often feel overwhelmed by the limitlessness of possibility - all there is, all that exists to be written on the page. It is difficult to focus on any one thing, and this is where too much becomes nothing. Prompts like the ones above take me into a grounded place where I can begin.

It doesn’t end there. Sometimes I’ve been dying to speak to a friend after teasing for weeks, “Girl, so many updates…wait till we talk, only to find myself surprisingly unable to communicate much when we finally find time to have the meet-up we’ve been excited about. So we stare into our teacups, eat chips and talk about other people. Am I overwhelmed or overloaded, or is there not as much to spill as I’d imagined? I don’t think it’s that. I think we see the world through filters and are often so exhausted and distracted by the time we come together that the things that felt like hot topics two weeks ago have been clouded over. There are new desires, issues and fears in every moment, made even more extreme by the never-ending stream of information at our fingertips…

another school shooting celebrity cut all of her hair off and now everyone thinks she has mental health problem fighting intensifying in Ukraine climate crisis air in New York is at dangerous levels they got married he was cheating on her and everyone found out but everyone kind of knew now they are discussing it with Andy Cohen missing school girl wildfires fatphobia think I might have made terrible decisions that I am only now coming to terms with people are really awful in the comments she messed up the wig but judge judy said she didn’t have to pay her for it because it was her own fault for lending it out you don’t want your job anymore because it’s horrible how to get a man to pay for your life they think they have caught the man that did it Trump Biden they shot him ai is coming for not just our jobs but consciousness and creativity as a whole and it’s already pretty serious

so instead, we talk about Selling Sunset Season 6, which is gorgeous, predictable, scandalous, and terrible.

Does anyone understand this phenomenon? Are you familiar with it? Are we Socially Backed Up?

Sometimes I’m scared I’m becoming an even worse communicator.

What I imagined would become more manageable with age is frustratingly not getting more manageable, and it’s feeling like hell. Don’t laugh, but I thought I’d morph into this superbabe with long healthy nails, deep into her thirties and at ease now with herself and the world—a babe who can maintain deep and blossoming friendships with everyone she likes.

Well it hasn’t entirely turned out like that. Sure, I could blame the lingering effects of the Pandemic or the fact everyone lives all over the globe, and there’s a time difference, or even that my nearest and dearest are having kids and thus unavailable, but yesterday I sat with myself and thought, well, the reason I am not talking to anyone is because I am not talking to anyone.

Babe, we need prompt cards.

One thing I think I’m good at is following prompts. I was all for it when prompt card games rose during the pandemic. Give me a deep, meaningful card game that has nothing to do with jacks, queens, clubs and spades, and I’m in!

I had recently gotten into a long-distance relationship and found another company (not the one pictured above) that specialised in prompt cards like this, and the cards were so, so pretty! In addition to their very seductive branding, they had LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP EDITION, FRIENDSHIP EDITION, DATING EDITION, etc., so I got excited (looking back, I was probably having a buying small unnecessary things episode). I didn’t waste any time. Well, my new relationship depended on it! Of course, I bought three packs. They cost me upwards of 100 dollars only to get lost in the post. I took this as a sign that it was never meant to be (the game, not the relationship.) I resumed Vanderpump Rules and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

But prompts work, and I’m not above outsourcing where I lack creativity. The truth is this - I don’t know why my communication knob seems to be turned all the way down more often than not these days, and I’m keen to take all the help I can get, therapeutic or otherwise. Prompts are revealing, usually take you where you need to go, and are thus pretty magical. Like a hall of mirrors.

Anyway, I will end here with some of the best questions I have ever been asked. If you have an answer, a question, or a good reality TV recommendation, feel free to write it under this post. I won’t judge because I have no room to do so, and in fact, no one will because this is a SAFE SPACE 😊🌺✨🥰🦄. If you don’t want to make your post public, you can

Okay bye!!!

Love, Yrsa xxxxx

******

🌺

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