I
When I think about the offences I have historically and regularly committed against myself or others, most are connected to not holding a boundary because of a distinct lack of clarity/belief in what I already knew. When I think about the misdemeanours I am currently accruing against myself and others, all of them are connected to not holding a boundary and not fully getting behind what I already know. Half-truths. Not saying things entirely, with the heart in my chest.
From the information garnered, it seems important - vital, even, to develop and spend each day nurturing an unwavering relationship to self, attention to The Way The Thing Feels, attention to intuition - how our bodies will alert us when we’re Doing The Same Thing Again. We’re getting older in the game of life, are we not? Our bodies do not want to lie any more. Our bodies are finding us out.
II
I used to come for brain fog, confusion and procrastination as though they were unconnected problems of life, fixable with good nutrition, a stable sleep regimen, a good diet and exercise. To a large extent, I was correct - get specific and deliberate about the small things, and it could be possible to feel a lot better. I have always been interested in wellness without the capital W - integrative, minor improvements - tinctures, natural medicine, herbs, anything to make me feel better. I’ve always been spiritual (without the capital S, I hope) - I try! I love a gratitude note or five. I skew toward sound healing, meditation
and people in silky, wide-legged pants dancing in the woods,
and breathwork. Talk to me about a new thing! I’m sold…
III
and yet,
there I was, still fighting empty by 4 pm when the work-things were done, and I’d been to the healing session, and I had drunk so much water by the time the day blued to evening. I was still fighting a dim dose, my ‘purpose’ stuck somewhere in the hours behind me. Now to stare more into my screen for things I didn’t know I needed to buy, at people whose influence seemed unquestionable, the girls with the lit, contoured faces selling my culture back to me. This was expensive.
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